Surrender and acceptance

My time with Sarah was the best time I have ever had. I can say this, I believe, with no reservation. She taught me how to love so deeply and so completely that I will be forever thankful and grateful. But our time has passed. For the now. For the forseeable future. Things had to change, and I think that, together, we were unable to face this, accept this, or to do anything about it.

I can rationalize what happened, I can justify my actions and I can be self-righteous, but the fact remains that my words and my actions were the immediate catalyst for the end of the relationship. I was unable to control my needs for immediate gratification and validation. I was never unfaithful, but I gave her every sign that I had thoughts of doing so... and I can't imagine how much that must have hurt her. But I never actually thought about it, I never wanted to be with anyone but her. My online flirtations, my inappropriate languager with members of the opposite sex... what is one supposed to think? And when it is called to your attention more than once, numerous times in fact, shouldn't a normal person do something about it?

The fact remains, that obsessions and compulsions that are inherent in my addiction and addictive personality kept driving me to do it. In the absence of a strong working program of the steps and a sponsor with which to be guided through them, it is no wonder that my defects of character would run rampant and free.

Today, I am working a program and trying the best I know how to apply its principles in my daily life. In all my affairs. Which is how I have come to accept what has happened. This does not mean that I like what has happened, nor does it mean that I have absolved myself of regret or feel no pain. It means that I have stopped fighting it. That I recognize that I cannot control the situation and must begin the process of mourning the passing of something wonderful.

It is a process, of that there can be no doubt. I have days when I am okay, when I can take life on its own terms anf do what I need to do. There are days when I am sad. Very sad. When I miss her touch, her voice, her scent... her laughter, her mannerisms, and her alien toe. I mourn for what could have been. I mourn for what was. And I wonder if I can ever find it again.

My name is Vic, and I'm an addict. Deep inside, I am a scared and lonely child. I have fears that I will never find anyone again. That I have missed my chance at the love of my life. I have issues with my own self-perception and self-esteem, which contributed to the downfall of our time together and which will be with me always. They will be there in future relationships. They will be obstacles and stumbling blocks to finding new relationships. The absence of a strong program and fellowship with other addicts fed these fears and insecurities, to the point that the calm, serenity, and joy that she helped me feel were overcome.

God help me on my path.

Help me to understand what your will is for me, and grant me the power to carry it out.

But most of all, God, please help her find happiness and strength. She is such a wonderful woman, human being... I wish her the world and the moon and the stars.

And help me to be happy again. I know it will take time. I have faith in you. Please help me to have faith in myself.