Observations on Small Town Life

(from the road, Februaury 2006)

I took a nice little break from my healthy rituals for the weekend... I ate junk food, I didn't work out, didn't shave, had fun. I was just like the kid I was in college... in the Army again! One note to those of you out there... the gruff mountain-man look of not shaving for three days does not mesh well with designer clothing. It really takes some panache to pull it off and, though I tried to swing it, I couldn't.

Anywhoo... driving from Miami to Mt. Vernon, Ohio takes you through some interesting places. To some of you out west and up north, this means THE SOUTH. Georgia, South Cackalacky, North Cackalacky, Virginia, and West Virginia. Where the men are men, and the sheep are skittish. Where, I shit you not, people stared at me and asked what my iPod was. And I asked them where their teeth were.

Okay, so... I made some observations along the way. Most are about small towns in general.

1. It is hard to carve an especially small competitive niche in small-town economies, so entrepeneurs much branch out. I found this by straying off the beaten path in North Florida and in the Cackalackies. There were such incongruous juxtapositions of trade and craft as: Natural Nail Salon and Lutheran Church; Deland Funeral Home and Pawn Shop; Marion's Day Care and Adult Novelty Store. Okay, so I made that last one up... but you get the point.

2. Population rates become inversely proportional to the amount of intellectual diversion available to the populace. It was made known to me that most young women under the age of 25, in Mt. Vernon at least, were unwed and were expecting their first child... if they didn't have one already. After hearing answers to what there was to do at night in such towns, I have discerned that all there is to do is drink and fuck. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing... unless it's the only thing to do. It didn't even seem to be a bad idea that some 18 year old girls had three kids from three different fathers, and were in an abusive relationship with a fourth man currently. I'm not passing judgment, nor am I commenting on whether it's good/bad, right/wrong, etc... I'm just saying.

3. Provincialism results in the kind of geniality that we more "urbane" citizens do not appreciate. At a gas station, we were filling up the pimpin' ride that my buddy Jon and I made the trek in. It proudly displayed our Florida license plate. A gentleman saw it, whistled, and attempted to make small talk.

"So, you boys come up here for just the cold weather?"

"No, we came here for the stupid questions..."

4. Cops is not just a show, it's a way of life. People all seem to have police scanners in their living rooms. They are all right next to the televisions. They are all listened to intently. TV's get muted. I couldn't tell you how many times I watched the tube get muted and the owners of whichever home I was in gather around the scanner and say, "Shhh! You've gotta hear this! You ain't gonna believe this shit!" And most times, I didn't.

5. The sum total of human ingenuity has still failed to provide for the most essential invention imagineable. A fucking thermal insulator to warm up toilet seats before you sit on them. I don't know how you people up north (and in colder climes, in general) deal with that shit. I shrieked like a six-year-old girl with a skinned knee on at least 3 different occasions (mainly because of the Twinkies and beef jerky I ate on the ride up).

6. Oral/Dental hygiene is something not to be taken lightly. I was simply appalled. I am anal retentive about my oral health (well, duh!), but I was utterly shocked when I realized the following: people all knew I was from out of town the second I smiled or said hello. When I asked the gentleman I was visiting how the fuck that was possible, he said, "Easy. You've got all your teeth and they're white."

AAAAAAaaaaaaaarrrrrggghhhh!!!!